Skein

From The Old Mermaids Book of Days and Nights: Lily handed Myla her ball of thread. “You keep it,” Lily said. “I might lose it. Or a cactus faery might snatch it from me. Or a coyote might sing a song I really like so I’d give it to him in thanks. Or a hummingbird might want to use it in her nest. Or a spider might decide it wants a web made out of red hair. You never know."—An Old Mermaid Sanctuary

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Familiars

For today’s date from The Old Mermaids Book of Days and Nights: Sara liked the desert immediately. It was familiar in a way she did not quite understand. The silence throbbed in her ears like a distant ocean. In the forests and on the plains they had crossed, Sara had heard and sometimes seen coyotes, but the ones in this desert were different from those. These ones were leaner, more curious. They stopped and watched Sara and the others, seemed to be contemplating whether they wanted to stay and chat for a while. —The Fish Wife

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Wandering in Wild Places

Laugh or weep. We swim in your tears. —Grand Mother Yemaya Mermaid

It’s a little over a month since I began my Year and a Day Living the Old Mermaids Way. Every day has been a challenge. For reasons mysterious and known, anxiety has been running roughshod over me. I am acutely familiar with this particular dance—ride, dirge, wandering—and I am a reluctant partner to this dance. 

Do the Old Mermaids get anxious? Generally speaking, as a group they are able to go with the flow of life, but they have each had difficulties. When Sister Lyra Musica first walked out of the Old Sea and into the New Desert, she was wracked with anxiety. It took her a while before she got her land legs.

Sometimes I feel like I will never get my land legs. Yet at times I feel completely out to sea. And not in a good way. Lately I’ve wondered about all the work and studying I’ve done during my adult life. I wanted to find the truth. Whatever that was. But mostly, I just wanted to be well. I wanted to find the sweet spot everyone else seemed to have found: The Well Place. The At Ease Place. It didn’t have to be Nirvana. Or Shangri-La. Hell, it could be a ratty tea house on a dark street corner called Teed Off. 

I didn’t care. Or maybe I did. I wrote about it. You can find it in nearly all of my books. I write about home. Again and again. I build houses. I create these amazing buildings. I imagine fabulous complicated loving relationships. Even my bad guys usually aren’t bad guys. Well, yes, they’re bad guys, but they aren’t evil. Just screwed up. 

My main characters are always just trying to make their way in a world they don’t understand even when they pretend they do. The Old Mermaids make their way in the world together. Ahhh, I love that. They wipe each other’s tears (and put them in bottles to use in soup later—nothing so valuable and nourishing as Old Mermaids’ tears). They listen to one another. They see each other. They love unconditionally—full out. And any fears or anxiety they have fall away, eventually. 

I am waiting for the falling away.

As time goes on, my characters have gotten more complicated. No, that’s wrong. They’ve gotten older, so maybe they understand better the complicated world. Or understand that they don’t understand. My fictional characters are not me. If I were writing novels about me, I would be bored out of my mind. I write in worlds where I am more at ease (i.e. not dis-eased). But I relate to my characters. Brooke McMurphy from Whackadoodle Times is me in a different life. I understand her absolutely. 

And then there’s Butch. She is who I would be if I were different. 

In my heart of hearts, I am Butch.

I am Keelie.

I am Brooke, Gloria, Sister Lyra Musica Mermaid, Myla...

I’m wandering again. I was telling you about my month. Most of it is too painful to write down. Painful because I’ve been dealing with it for so many years. It feels permanent. I had a sudden revelation last night. (Is that redundant? Are all revelations sudden?) I realized that my entire adult life has essentially revolved around being sick. All of it. How we live. How I sleep. How I work. 

Mostly how I get through every day.

Every day feels like a failure.

I’ve got it easy compared with so many people who struggle with so much. I understand that. I have it easier than many people in my own family. Nevertheless, the last thirty years have not been easy. I have struggled for breath, for ground, for sanity. I have fought hard. I have fought valiantly. I have gone out and slain the dragon. Or wait, a better metaphor would be that I have tried to outrun St. George as he has tried to slay me. I ain’t St. George. I am definitely the dragon.

(Or maybe I am St. George, too. He may or may not have been a variation of the wild Green Man. He may or may not have been associated with curing the mad. And the myth of him slaying a dragon may or may not have been just a misspelling of the word Dagon.)

In any case...

When I realized my entire life revolved around this dis-ease of mine, I had to sit down. I was shocked. I have tried to ignore the sickness. It’s not something I talk about, in general. My family and friends don’t know about my life. I write about it, but mostly strangers read my writing. Strangers know my inner workings better than most people who know me.

What does that mean?

I have always been most comfortable in the wild and with the words—with the story. 

I often don’t understand people. I offend easily and most of the time I have no idea what I’ve done. 

But wait, wait. I don’t want to dive into that pool. 

No, this isn’t about what I don’t do well. Or even what I do well. Ahhhh there’s that word: Well. I like it. I have been searching for wellness. “Well” comes from wel² which means “to will, to wish.” “Well-being.”

Well is one of those words I check my manuscript for before it becomes a book. I use it too often, mostly when a character is speaking. So I delete most of the “wells.”

Perhaps all these years I’ve been trying to enchant my stories, concoct a spell, make a wish, and it all begins with “well.”

I have always believed my stories would cure me. 

Cure the world?

If my life has been centered on my dis-ease for thirty years that meant it had leeched into every part of my life and no doubt into the relationship I hold most dear: the one I have with my husband. I immediately wondered how much I had changed and damaged his life because I have not felt well for thirty some years.

I have wondered this many times over the years.  

Useless thought process.

It doesn’t matter what was. What is? How can I get sickness out of the center of my life.

I have been trying for thirty plus years. Been fighting. Been trying to solve an apparently unsolvable mystery, puzzle, life. 

Maybe I should just stop fighting, solving, ruminating.

I’ve had some amazing healing moments this month. I healed a bad burn on my hand. It was gone in about fifteen minutes. And then I had about three weeks of almost complete relief from my asthma. 

I’ve cried a great deal. I don’t do that much usually. I mourned the death of a friend. 

Have had brilliant ideas for novels, yet lately, I haven’t been able to write. I feel frozen in fear. Not of the novel, not of the story, but of what’s happening in other parts of my life.

The other night I dreamed I was in a flood. I ran and climbed up onto the roof. I found me some shelter. 

A couple of weeks ago, I dreamed a tiger was trying to eat me. I was holding his mouth open to keep him from ripping me to shreds while I screamed at Mario to go get him something to eat from the freezer. He did what I asked, threw it at the tiger—it was frozen salmon—and the tiger let me go, and Mario and I ran.

That same night I dreamed my mother was back from the dead and I was desperate to keep her here. I showed her the Old Mermaid quilt my father and I had made with a mermaid in the middle. (My father and I made it in real life after my mom died.) I thought that would keep her here. She showed me another quilt, a mermaid quilt, she said, only there was an angel in the middle of it, not a mermaid. I knew then that she would leave again.

My way of saying this first month with the Old Mermaids has been full of wandering.

I got a batch of seaweed and split it with friends. I invited them over for seaweed soup when it was time to divvy the seaweed up. Two of my friends came. We each contributed to the soup. We stirred the pot. We talked. It was nice sitting at my kitchen table with two women I had known for years. They have known me so long that I think my bluntness no longer wears on them: In other words, they are used to me and I am used to them. We have gone through a lot together. There’s something to that, isn’t there? Just the experience of shared life can bind people together. I felt blessed to have them in my kitchen. At one point, I told them my plans for the future. Radical plans. Seemingly impossible plans. But plans that fill me with joy. They encouraged me. (Filled me with courage?)

I’ve been listening to a CD of Eckhart Tolle. I enjoy hearing about the “power of now.” Although I don’t always understand (or agree) with what he says, I appreciate being reminded about the “now.” I’ve been studying mindfulness for years. I regularly meditate to Jon Kabat-Zinn’s mindfulness CDs. Note I used the word “study.” I also “practice” mindfulness, but it is definitely a practice. When I do it regularly, I feel so much better. When I tone, when I meditate, when I do yoga, when I eat right, when when when when when...I feel better. 

Better is just a synonym for well.

Right?

For someone with anxiety, being in the now is important. I’m often lost in the past (why weren’t things different) or in the future (how can I save myself and everyone else or what bad thing is going to happen next). Being in the now can be blissful. Unless I’m feeling like shit, unless I’m struggling to breath, unless, unless, unless. And then I can be in the now and say, “this too will pass.”

I’m not sure what Eckhart would say about that.

Today Mario was listening to Tolle with me. We were talking about how when we’re writing we are definitely in the now.

Or are we? 

I’ve always said I’m most at home where the wild things are.

And the wild things are often in my head. 

I am happiest when I am writing fiction. No, I am happiest when I am writing a novel. And the truth is I am happiest because when I am writing a novel I am not beset by demons. By anxiety or fear. When I am writing, I feel like my true self: a powerful Amazon, wild, whole, capable of absolutely anything. Butch without the alcohol. Keelie showing Victor the truth. Gloria healing...everyone. Brooke writing zombie screenplays and pulling herself out of a hell hole. Jeanne cooking up the truth.

Mario and I went to brunch today at one of our favorite places, porque no? in Portland. We sat under the heaters while outside rain washed over the city. In our little room, where we sat alone at a varnished picnic table surrounded by various depictions of Jesus and the Virgin of Guadalupe and various other accoutrements that might haunt a Mexican restaurant, Mario started reciting some of the 13 Suggestions of the Old Mermaids. 

“‘All the wisdom of the ages can be distilled into one suggestion: Be,’” he said. “Kim, the Old Mermaids are all about being in the now. You already have the wisdom.” He began reciting more of the suggestions. I was impressed. He remembered more of them than I did. 

We began discussing “A good bean is hard to find. Everything else is easy.” (That was Sister Ruby Rosarita Mermaid.) I said, “When she first told it to me, I didn’t really know what it meant, and even now I’m not sure.”

“But it’s perfect,” Mario said. “Because even though we don’t know what it means, we understand it.”

I agreed.

I could feel myself settling into place, into this place, into this body, into myself, into my day, as we talked about the Old Mermaids. As Mario reminded me that all the wisdom I needed was in the Old Mermaids. Was in me. If I needed a how-to, there it was: In the 13 Suggestions from the Old Mermaids.

A woman brought us our meals just then. She smiled at us. She’s young and beautiful, strawberry blond hair, and she’s always kind to us. Sometimes when we get to this restaurant (and are standing in line), the music is up loud and the wait staff begins dancing and Mario and I dance, too, and it is as if for a moment we are all a part of something together, swimming in this Great Old Sea. 

Mario and I dug into our meals. When we were finished, I used a soft corn tortilla to clean up my oval salmon-colored plate. The plate would fit perfectly at any Old Mermaids Sanctuary. I could feel the heat coming from above. The stone floor was hard beneath my feet. I could hear the fans from the heaters above the rain. Across from me, Mario watched me, smiling. 

Well...

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Again

From The Old Mermaids Book of Days and Nights for today: Sara began dreaming again. This time she was swimming in the auld sea as it dried up and she walked up into the new desert, near the Old Mermaid Sanctuary. Her children were running around the patio. The house was full of people. They laughed and sang and worked and played. And the cacti, palo verde, and mesquite moved and danced slowly to music only they could hear. Two desert faeries sat in the sand drinking tea. They looked up at her and invited Sara for a “spot a tea.” Her girls called to her and she went running into their arms. —The Fish Wife

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Dreams

From The Old Mermaids Book of Days and Nights for today: “I had that dream again the other night,” Myla said. “Where I’m in the Old Mermaid Chapel and the desert is singing to me.” —An Old Mermaid Sanctuary

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The Beginning of A Year and a Day

I began A Year and a Day of Living the Old Mermaids Way on Halloween of this year. It’s been eighteen days now, and what a whirlwind it has been. One thing after another has happened, and most of it hasn’t been what I would describe as “good.” 

Mario and I have both had physical problems, and I haven’t been able to sit still, to ground, to write. I feel like I have a stalker in the form of nearly constant anxiety. I want to get away, but what I want to get away from is my constant anxiety and physical problems.

However, I have had some wonderful revelations during these first eighteen days. Yesterday, for instance, we were listening to a nonfiction book on CD, and some of the prose was quite . . . purple. I started feeling critical of the author. What possible good did this critical feeling do? We wanted to listen to the story, but it wouldn’t be much fun if I was cringing the entire time. I thought "what would the Old Mermaids think?” And immediately, I heard, “Why, Mr. Writer, those are very colorful metaphors!” Ahhh, yes. That felt much better. Instead of being critical of him, they admired him for his use of metaphor. Wow. What a difference that made to how I felt about this book and this writer. I was able to relax and just enjoy the story. 

And a week or so ago, I was trying to figure out how to make a living. Yet again. Eighteen years ago, I was “injured” on the job when the library building where I worked was remodeled and they used toxic materials. So I am very careful about what jobs I consider. In the last year, Mario has been put in danger at his job, too. This made my job search feel urgent. 

I look for jobs every month, and every month I’m faced with the same dilemma: If I work outside of my home, most likely the employer will do something toxic and I will be in danger again. Our experience has been that employers will ALWAYS put budget considerations before employee safety. Always. It’s astonishing to me, but there it is. 

So I thought “what would the Old Mermaids do?” I realized I was going about it all wrong. Instead of trying to find a job I could fit myself into, why not figure out what I was good at and create a job for myself? I have training in many fields, and I’m good at many kinds of work: writing, managing, research, programming (not the computer kind), material selection, efficient workflow design, and permaculture. I have an avocation in green and nontoxic building design, and stories, folk tales, legends, myths, and fairy tales are at the heart of most of what I do. 

And what I’m best at is “visioning.“ I am a great “big picture” person. I know how something should be, I can articulate it, and then I need to surround myself with people who can bring this vision into being. As I began articulating all of this to Mario, I felt a sense of joy. I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I didn’t know if it was possible, but I decided not to try and figure out the real-world possibilities yet. First I had to create it in my imagination. Later—although soon—I would create it here and now. But for now, as Mario suggested, I needed to continue to dream it.

Since then, I’ve had a few stumbles. Emergency and urgent care visits have thrown me for a loop. A dear friend died unexpectedly. And as I’ve contemplated this dream of mine, I’ve thought about our crumbling infrastructures, I’ve thought about the realities of life during peak oil, and I’ve wondered how I can dream anything concrete under these circumstances. But, of course, isn’t that the best time to dream? The Old Mermaids lost their entire world. They reinvented themselves in this world. It took a bit for them to get their “land legs,” but once they did, wow! What a world they created.

So I’ll keep working and playing at this. I will get my land legs soon because I have heard my siren call. One day at a time, the Old Mermaids Way. We’ll see what happens!

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Stories

From The Old Mermaids Book of Days and Nights: “I’m not going away, Lily my Lily,” Myla said. “And even if I did, even when I’m gone, the Old Mermaids are with you. They’re in your heart. And mostly, they’re in the stories.” —An Old Mermaid Sanctuary

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What Is Unseen

For today's date from The Old Mermaids Book of Days and Nights:  Some bird Butch couldn’t see and whose song she didn’t recognize called out from the madrone. Butch smiled. Everything was so bright and clear. The small white flowers on this madrone looked like bells, and she was pretty certain she could hear them ringing. —Butch: A Bent Western  

(This isn’t a photo of a madrone tree, but it’s so evocative, and it puts me in mind of Butch. I took this photo along a stream in Sedona.)

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This is the Place

For today's date from The Old Mermaids Book of Days and Nights: And so it was that the New Woman came to the Old Mermaids Sanctuary one day. She was standing on one side of the wash one moment; then in the next, she walked across the wash and into the sanctuary. She immediately felt at home. She knew this was the place she needed to be. This was what she had been looking for all of her life. And now she was here. —The Second Book of Old Mermaids Tales

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A Year & a Day of Living the Old Mermaid Way

Beginning October 31st:

I have decided to go on a year-long pilgrimage. Actually a year and a day-long pilgrimage. A Year and a Day of Living the Old Mermaid Way. What does that mean for me? Well, we'll see. I love the way the Old Mermaids make their way in the world: with class and grace and truth and healing—and beauty. They walk and play and dance and love and swim in beauty, always.

Here's what I'm bringing along for my pilgrimage: I've got my The Old Mermaids Book of Days and Nights for reference all day long. And I also have two of the journals: one lined and one unlined. (I know, I know: that's a lot of Old Mermaids books.) Beginning on Hallows, I will write in the lined journal. I also hope to sketch on the unlined one every day. I'll use the daily quotes to inspire and inform me each day: to help me live the Old Mermaid way while defining what that means. I'll also probably reread The Church of the Old Mermaids, maybe skim The Fish Wife, and flip through The First Book of Old Mermaids Tales.

I will post about my journey. I don't know how often. I hope I'll do it once a week, but I make no guarantees. You are welcome to join me. You can get The Old Mermaids Book of Days and Nights: A Year and a Day Journal and come along with me on this journey. (Or use your own journal. You won't have access to the daily quotes but you can flip through your copy of COTOM or just dip in here on this blog.) There's always something beautiful to see and read here. AND if you do join me, I hope you'll post some of your insights along the way here. I'll make a space where you can do that. Just check back here now and again.

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The Old Mermaids Book of Days and Nights: A Year and a Day Journal

We love The Old Mermaids Book of Days and Nights so much that we decided to make a companion for it: a BIG sumptuous luxurious "a year and a day" journal. This 8.5 x 11 book has the same cover as The Old Mermaids Book of Days and Nights: A Daily Guide to the Magic and Inspiration of the Old Sea, the New Desert, and Beyond, but we've removed the dates so you can put in your own and we've made one journal lined and one unlined; you can use both for journals or use one for a journal and one for sketching or mix and match. A Year and A Day is a traditional period of time set aside for study or initiation: and you can begin any time. We hope you will find these journals inspiring and beautiful. Everyone who has seen it just oohs and ahs over it. This is a perfect place to tell your own story and find your siren song.  unlined • lined

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Signed Copies of TOMBODAN Available: Limited Time

I ordered too many Old Mermaids Book of Days and Nights for some odd reason. As much as I love having them sitting in my house cuz they is so purty, I need to move them on out. I only have a few of them, so it's first come first send. I will sign them and mail them to you (or to someone else--you just give me the address). I'm charging $20 a book; this includes shipping. Pay me through paypal, and then privately message me how you want me to sign it and where you want me to send it. (My paypal account is kim at kimantieau dot com.)

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Gifts

From The Old Mermaids Book of Days and Nights for today: "I gift you with the mysteries of the Old Sea." 

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Wild Ride

From The Old Mermaids Book of Days and Nights for today's date:

Because I'm a writer, I often see the world in metaphor—the land is like our body, the land is a quilt, the land is our mother. But I feel the world in my bones, too. I breathe the world in and out. I take off my shoes and I step on the grass, on the dirt, on the earth, and feel my soles against the soul of the world. I feel the Earth—Nature—beneath my feet like an ocean wave and I know I should grab a surf board and enjoy the wild ride.  —Under the Tucson Moon

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Why Does the Dirt Shine?

From The Old Mermaids Book of Days and Nights for today's date:

“Why does the dirt shine?” Lily asked.

Myla smiled. The Church of the Old Mermaids had no dogma, but Myla did adhere to at least one golden rule: Answer all questions put to her by a five-year-old child with honesty and beauty.

“Well, Lily my Lily,” Myla said, “I can’t be sure, but I think those shiny bits of sand are star dust—at least that’s what Mother Star Stupendous Mermaid told the other Old Mermaids when they first got to the New Desert. They had to sleep in the wash for a while, and Mother Star Stupendous Mermaid told them the sand would keep them warm and give them good dreams because it was made from star dust, shed by the stars the way we shed skin. I’m not sure the Old Mermaids believed her, but they did agree that the star dust was much more comfortable to sleep on than they would have guessed.”

—An Old Mermaid Sanctuary

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The Old Mermaids Book of Days and Nights

We are so happy, elated, ecstatic, and happy (did I say) to announce the publication of The Old Mermaids Book of Days and Nights! We found 364 quotes—one for every day of the year—from the Old Mermaids novels (and from my other novels) to create this inspirational, sometimes humorous, sometimes mystical, always mysterious collection. It's available in print or as an e-book. (Here's the kindle version.) Even if you get the e-book, I hope you can get the print book. We just love this book! 

From the cover: Kim Antieau guides you through a year of wisdom, humor, beauty, inspiration, and love in these daily quotes from her own writings featuring the Old Mermaids and some of the other wise and mystical characters from her books and stories. See what gifts Grand Mother Yemaya Mermaid, Sister Laughs A Lot Mermaid, Mother Star Stupendous Mermaid, Sister Sheila Na Giggle Mermaid, and others have to share with you all year long. (Cover art by Nancy Norman.) You can read FAQ and some excerpts here.

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Coming Soon!

I hadn't realized I had been AWOL from here for so long. I've been writing and publishing, writing and publishing. One of the projects I'm most excited about is The Old Mermaids Book of Days and Nights which will be released soon. It's a full year of quotes from Church of the Old Mermaids, The Fish Wife, The Blue Tail, The First Book of Old Mermaids Tales, and other books (some as yet unpublished). I will be posting some of the quotes from the book here. It also has beautiful cover art by Nancy Norman. Can't wait!

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First Book of Old Mermaids Tales

Green Snake Publishing has published another book in the Old Mermaids' universe. This beautiful little book is perfect to take with you anywhere to look at and read when you need some words of wisdom from the Old Mermaid Sanctuary. This is from the cover copy:

The Old Mermaids left the disappearing Old Sea and stepped onto the New Desert where they exchanged their finware for skinware. With barely a backward glance, the mysterious and mystical Old Mermaids began building their sanctuary from earth, water, straw, and their own breath.

These standalone tales, many excerpts from the novels Church of the Old Mermaids and An Old Mermaid Sanctuary, remind us of the beauty all around us, even on those days when we wonder how we’ll survive, let alone thrive. Sister Ruby Rosarita Mermaid brews a magical storytelling soup to bring peace. A mysterious stranger brings the Old Mermaids an elixir which is supposed to heal all. And then there’s the Tea Shell where the Old Mermaids serve the most marvelous teas, and Sister Sophia Mermaid dispenses bits of wisdom like, “Never try to stop a wave,” “A watched pot eventually boils,” and “This is not the end of the world, it just feels like it.” Despite having lost their home and community, the Old Mermaids support one another, love their new world, and build community with all their new human and nonhuman neighbors. You can be assured when you stop by the Tea Shell for a cup of Essence of Coyote Laughter Tea that no coyotes were harmed in the making of your brew. print . kindle . nook . smashwords

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The Fish Wife: an Old Mermaids Novel

I am very pleased to announce the publication of my new novel, The Fish Wife: an Old Mermaids Novel. Like Church of the Old Mermaids and The Blue Tail, The Fish Wife takes place in the Old Mermaids universe where great magic and great heartbreak is possible. I hope you enjoy this book as much as I loved writing it. This is from the back cover:

The women got closer to the water or the water got closer to them. In the semi-darkness, a wave of light filtered through the storm, and the beach shuddered and shimmered. Suddenly Sara saw the women for what they truly were, saw their tails gleam and glimmer, and she looked down and saw her own true self. A gust of wind unsteadied her and snatched her cap from her head. She broke from the line of sea women and tried to run after her hat; only she couldn’t run at first, so she shook off the part of her that was of the sea, as though it was a skirt she no longer needed. She saw the red of the cap bouncing down the beach and she ran after it. She couldn’t lose the hat, especially not minutes after her mother entrusted it to her. Someone grabbed her arm and pulled her away from the roar of the ocean. “I have your red cap,” the man said. “I know what that means.”

An ancient Irish curse holds Sara in its grip: Cormac MacDougal steals her red cap which means she must become his fish wife or she and her unborn child will die. One night she can bear her life no longer, and she seeks out her true love, Ian McLaughlin. When she finds him in the arms of her sister, she calls on the forces of nature to destroy all that she loves. She flees the village with Cormac before anyone discovers the truth. She risks everything on a perilous ocean journey away from the only home she has ever known. She struggles to remember the old ways, to conjure up the magic of her ancient mer ancestors. She washes up on the shore of a new world where she encounters the goddess Yemaya, a Vodou priestess, a shapeshifting lord of the manor, and the Old Mermaids. In this strange and beautiful realm, Sara works to build a new life. But has she outrun the curse, or will it finally be her undoing? print . kindle . nook . smashwords

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The Blue Tail

I am thrilled to announce the publication of my new novel The Blue Tail. Old Mermaids a-fish-ionados will love this new book. (Sorry, the Old Mermaids bring the cornball humor out in me.)

(By the way, Green Snake Publishing has reduced the price of all print editions of my novels published by GSP through January 2012, including Church of the Old Mermaids.)

Here's the cover blurb for The Blue Tail:

Serena Blue has heard stories of the Old Mermaids all of her life, and she’s tired of them and her mother’s eccentric life in Santa Fe. She struggles to find her own identity after her boyfriend Stephen beats her. Serena travels to Oregon with her mother and her grandmother where she meets Annie and Freeman who comb the beaches looking for signs of the Old Mermaids. Serena learns that her grandmother believes she was once a mermaid before Serena’s grandfather forced her to marry him; now she longs to go back to the sea. When Serena discovers her grandmother was once in a mental institution after drowning her baby son, Serena is sure her grandmother is still crazy. Family secrets begin to unravel, and Serena isn’t sure what is reality and what is delusion. When Stephen follows Serena to Oregon, she has to decide if she will embrace her true wild self or return to her old life. Can she choose herself over her boyfriend before it’s too late?

print • kindle • nook • smashwords

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An Old Mermaid Journal

An affordable and bound version of An Old Mermaid Journal is now available. Here's the description from the Amazon page: "This journal may or may not be based on the original journal of one or more of the Old Mermaids living in the Old Mermaids Sanctuary. The legend goes that whatever anyone draws or writes on these pages brings healing, joy, and magic into the world and into the life of the person who owns the journal. This journal has blank and lined pages and quotes from Church of the Old Mermaids, a novel by Kim Antieau." I love using these journals myself! (We're trying to figure out how to provide this journal to those of you who want to download it and print it off yourself. We'll get back to you on that.)

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Gone Fishin'

As you've no doubt noticed, I haven't been posting here much. The Old Mermaids are a part of my life more than ever, but I'm limiting my time online, so I'm going to be hanging out the gone fishing sign here. I will post here sometimes when a new book comes out about the Old Mermaids. Otherwise, you can find me on my website. I will keep the site open, but the comments closed, so you can dip in and out sometimes.

Blessed sea!

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Church of the Old Mermaids, the book

Church of the Old Mermaids is now available at smashwords, kindle, and nook. This means you can download it to your computer, ipad, kindle, etc. Plus you can still get it in the print version. Green Snake Publishing corrected a couple typos and smoothed out the design so that it reads better on kindle & elsewhere. Good to know the Old Mermaids are swimming everywhere now!

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In Beauty Still

In Beauty all around we walk.
In Beauty all around we dance.
In Beauty all around we dream.
In Beauty all around we swim.
It is so, it is so, it is so.

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Building

"You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete." —R. Buckminster Fuller

When Grand Mother Yemaya heard this quote, she said, "This is exactly what the Old Mermaids did when we created the Old Mermaids Santuary. I wonder if Mr. Fuller visited the Sanctuary?"

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The Old Mermaids Elixir

This is from my novel The Old Mermaids Sanctuary. Myla has set up her table—the Church of the Old Mermaids—in front of Antigone Books in Tucson on another Saturday. A woman walks over and picks up a clear glass bottle...

“What is this?” the woman asked. Lily leaned against Myla and watched the woman.

“Well, I can’t be sure," Myla said, "but I believe that is the bottle that once contained the Old Mermaids Elixir, only it wasn’t called that at first. A traveling salesman stopped by the Old Mermaids Sanctuary for a time. He had a big old colorful wagon drawn by two old horses. One was black, the other was white. The black one had a white spot on her forehead. The white one had a black spot on his forehead. The Old Mermaids Sanctuary neighbors came from all around to meet the horses and the salesman. His name was Grandy, I believe, and the horses were Black Beauty and White Wonder. You figure out which was which.”

Lily giggled.

“Anyway, Grandy had all kinds of things to sell,” Myla said. “Grandy was just as you would imagine. He’d stand by his wagon and call out, ‘Hear ye, hear ye! I’ve got what you need! I can heal your wounds, sooth your soul, fill your wallet—all without emptying it first.'

"The Old Mermaids appreciated his showmanship, and they let him stay at the Old Mermaids Sanctuary. They liked watching him because it was like going to a show, but they didn’t buy anything from him. He told everyone exactly what was in each of his bottles, so they could decide whether what he was saying was true or not. But Sister Faye Mermaid and Sister Bridget Mermaid knew how to create their own concoctions and weave their own enchantments, and they thought most of what he was selling was sugar water. They kept an eye on him to make certain he wasn’t causing any harm to their neighbors. They liked listening to his stories, and he enjoyed eating their food and watching Sissy Maggie Mermaid walk around half-dressed the way she did.

“Just before he packed up to leave, he told the Old Mermaids he had a present for them. ‘It was given to me by an Old Merman sitting on the edge of the Old Sea,' Grandy said. He held out a clear glass bottle filled with liquid. 'He told me that one day I would know who it was for. He said it would help them find their tails again, so they could come home. I didn’t know what he was talking about then, but I’m thinking maybe he was talking about you all.’

Grand Mother Yemaya Mermaid took the bottle from him. On the label a mermaid swam alongside the words ‘Mermaid Elixir.’ In tiny letters below that it read ‘Put one drop in your bathtub as needed.’

"Grand Mother Yemaya Mermaid said, ‘The Old Merman put this label on here?’

"Grandy smiled. ‘No, Grand Mother,’ he said. ‘I wrote up what he told me. I don’t know what will happen when you use it, but it is yours to try and see.’

“Then Grandy made his farewells. The Old Mermaids hugged and kissed Black Beauty and White Wonder good-bye, and the wagon pulled away and soon disappeared in the dust. The Old Mermaids stood around looking at the bottle. They passed it from hand to hand, from Old Mermaid to Old Mermaid. Finally they opened it and smelled it. They did everything but drink it.

"‘It can’t be real,’ Sister Bea Wilder Mermaid said. ‘Why not?’ Sister Laughs A Lot Mermaid asked. ‘Because an Old Merman isn’t going to give Grandy something like that,’ Sister Ursula Divine Mermaid said. ‘And I never heard of such a thing when we were in the Old Sea,’ Sister Bridget Mermaid said. ‘These are new times,’ Sister Lyra Musica Mermaid said. 'And we didn't need it when we were in the Old Sea.'

“Sister DeeDee Lightful Mermaid said, ‘Maybe this is providence. Maybe the Invisibles are trying to help us get back home.’ The Old Mermaids looked around at each other. Mother Star Stupendous Mermaid said, ‘We are home, Sister Mermaids. The Old Sea is gone, at least the Old Sea as we knew it. What would we do if we went back to the way we were? There is no place here for us as we were.’

“The Old Mermaids stood quietly under the summer sun and thought about what Mother Star Stupendous Mermaid said. Finally Sister Sophia Mermaid said, ‘What Mother Star Stupendous Mermaid has told us is very wise. We should listen to her.’

"The other Old Mermaids agreed, although Sister DeeDee Lightful Mermaid hesitated. Even though they had been in the New Desert for some time, Sister DeeDee still felt as though she hadn’t quite gotten her land legs. The other Old Mermaids went about their days, and Sister DeeDee Lightful Mermaid held onto the Mermaid Elixir for a while. Every once in a while she’d take off the top and dab a drop of it on her wrists. Nothing happened, but she kept doing it anyway. She would close her eyes and remember what it had been like in the Old Sea.

“One hot day when the Old Mermaids sought refuge from the sun and heat in the pool, Sister DeeDee Lightful Mermaid sat on the edge of the pool with her legs in the water; the open bottle of the Mermaid Elixir was next to her. Most of the other Old Mermaids swam or floated in the water. Sister Bea Wilder Mermaid came up behind Sister DeeDee Lightful Mermaid and tickled her until she fell into the water. Then Sister Bea Wilder Mermaid slipped into the water. She didn’t see the Mermaid Elixir, and you can guess what happened. The entire bottle fell into the pool when Sister Bea accidentally knocked it over. Sister DeeDee Lightful Mermaid shrieked. The other Old Mermaids got very quiet. Sister Faye Mermaid said, ‘Don’t worry. The elixirs of a charlatan rarely work.’

“But something happened that day as this bottle you're holding—at least I think it was this bottle—fell into the pool and its contents mixed with the water in the pool. The Old Mermaids felt a kind of moisture in their beings that they had not felt since they left the Old Sea. I can’t be sure, but the story goes that all the tails of the Old Mermaids became visible again, and the Old Mermaids were creatures of the water again for a time. The sun glinted off the blue, green, red, yellow, black, scarlet, orange, indigo scales of the tails of the Old Mermaids. It wasn't that they went back to what they were exactly. It was more like they recognized that they were still themselves whether they were in the water or the desert. The Old Mermaids were able to swim in the knowledge of their true selves in that pool all day long. And it was a long day that lasted a week, a month, a year, a hundred years.

"Before they got out of the pool that long day, Sister DeeDee Lightful Mermaid swam to the bottom and picked up the Mermaid Elixir bottle which was now filled with pool water or mermaid elixir or both. Some say that the Old Mermaids never had to use the Mermaid Elixir again; whenever they jumped into the pool they became their old selves again. But Sister DeeDee Lightful Mermaid knew others might need help in recognizing their true selves, in finding their own tails—and tales—so she bottled the Old Mermaids Elixir and gave it out to friends and neighbors. She used the bottle of watered-down elixir as the Mother so she’d put a drop or more of the elixir into a bottle of water, put a label on it, and call it the Old Mermaids Elixir.

"Of course, she tried it out before she gave it to anyone. She was no charlatan. Everyone who used it said they saw themselves as they truly were, for good or ill. This truth never came as a surprise to anyone—or maybe it did. But they shouldn't have been surprised: Sister DeeDee Lightful Mermaid had printed right on the label 'know thyself.'

"Time went on and as you know, the Old Mermaids had to leave the Old Mermaids Sanctuary. The story goes that whoever found the original Old Mermaids Elixir bottle could fill it up with ordinary water and it would become a true Old Mermaids Elixir. If you put a couple drops in your bath or in your pool or in your tea, you grow your own mermaid tails, or maybe you'll just discover your true self. Either way it'll be an adventure. You willing to try it? I can almost see your tail now, if I squint. Yep. You'll be swimming in the deep ocean of your true self any minute now."

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Old Mermaids Suggestions

Inspired by Church of the Old Mermaids, Junie Moon has created her own 13 Suggestions plus one. (Photograph by June Scroggin and all rights are reserved.)

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Beginning of the Crow Tale

“They had to get accustomed to solid ground. It was different than the Old Sea, you know. One day, Sister Laughs A Lot Mermaid found a crow outside the house. Actually, it wasn’t quite a house yet. The Old Mermaids were still building it, with the help of some neighbors.

"They used mud and straw and stone—all materials from the old dried sea. As they built the house, they let the mud and straw and stone tell them stories. They listened to what the cacti and coyotes and crows had to say too. The neighbors had more stories. The stories made the work easier, and the house seemed to like the stories. It shaped itself beautifully around them and this land. It was a piece of art.

"The Old Mermaids had tile in the kitchen and bathroom and in funny places in the walls all over the house, so you might look here and see a flower blooming from the tile or you might look there and see a cardinal flying. They painted scenes from the Old Sea on the walls. And scenes from the mountains. Valleys. The desert. These paintings on the walls were so realistic, Lily, that you would swear you could walk right into them and keep on going. Everyone liked to be invited to the Old Mermaid Sanctuary because it was so beautiful. Many people—even to this day—swear the house was alive. And it was a happy house. Care was taken with every bit of it. The Old Mermaids even asked the land before they built the house where would be the best place.”

—from Church of the Old Mermaids

(Photo from Selkiemoonlight whose wonderful artwork can be found here.)

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Treasure

Mourning doves fluttered away as they walked past the mesquite and palo verde that crowded the trail. The doves startled Lily at first. Then she started clapping each time the doves flew off their perches.

"Help us find treasure," Lily said after a while, looking back at Myla.

The children slowed until she caught up with them.

“Well, Lily my Lily, I suppose each treasure hunt is different for each person,” Myla said. “I ask the wash and the Old Mermaids to show me what is here for me on this day. Often I find things as I walk. At this time of year when it’s been dry for a long time, the pickings are slim. So sometimes I just stop. I don’t know where or when. I stop when it moves me, and I close my eyes and breathe. When I open my eyes and look around, I almost always see something I hadn’t seen before.”

. . . .

They all stopped. Lily closed her eyes. Myla did the same. She breathed deeply. When she opened her eyes, Lily looked at her feet. She leaned over and picked up what liked like a thin curved white stone. She held it up to Myla who crouched next to her.

“Lily my Lily,” she said. “Do you know what this is?”

The others gathered around them in a circle.

“A pretty rock,” Lily said.

“It’s part of a sea shell,” Myla said. “This is quite a treasure. You know what this means?”

Lily shook her head.

“If you find a sea shell—especially one in the desert—it means a mermaid just found her tail.”

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Morsels

Last night Sister Lyra Musica Mermaid walked out into the desert and found the Moon fishing. Coyote trotted by and warned, "Watch out. There's enough for everyone."

Sister Ursula Divine Mermaid walked deep into the desert to look for wild things. Road Runner ran by her. "Can you tell if I am coming or going?" Road Runner asked. "Does it matter?" she answered. Road Runner chuckled. "Good answer." Then he went away or came closer. Sister Ursula Divine Mermaid smiled. Always a good day when a Road Runner chuckles.

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Nourishment

All the wisdom of the ages can be distill into one suggestion: Be.
—Mother Star Stupendous Mermaid

Myla woke just after dawn. She got up and walked the wash alone. It was a damp and chilly morning. Dark clouds floated above the Rincons. A coyote walked across the wash. She stopped and looked at Myla. They stared at one another. Then the coyote continued on her way. Myla went back to the house and started breakfast. She sautéed onions and shitake mushrooms in olive oil.

As they sizzled she put on oatmeal. She sprinkled in a bit of cinnamon. Ernesto loved her oatmeal. She could not imagine why—probably had something to do with the almonds, cashews, bananas, and maple syrup he poured on it.

She cracked egg after egg into a bowl. Two eggs for each of them. She broke the yokes with a fork and whisked them. The metal tines hit the inside of the bowl as she stirred them faster and faster, turning gold into more gold. As she poured the eggs into the pan with the mushrooms and onions, she thought, “This is the last breakfast I’ll be making for the refugees at the Old Mermaid Sanctuary.” She liked to think that the migrants came to the sanctuary as refugees but left as pilgrims. It was such a difficult decision to leave one’s family and country—a desperate decision. How terrible then to be left in the desert to wander or die alone—or together with others as lost as you are.

Myla stared at the scrambled eggs as they began to set. She was glad she had dreamed of the Old Mermaids. It didn’t really matter if she had originally dreamed of the Old Mermaids because of the mermaid tile or because she had seen David painting the mermaid. It didn’t really matter if the Old Mermaids had been the voice of the Universe speaking to her. What mattered was that she had gone into the desert and helped people who needed it. In turn, they let her be a part of their families—their lives—for a time.

How could she ever have doubted the importance of that?

—from Church of the Old Mermaid

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Medicine

As dreams are the healing songs
from the wilderness
of our unconscious—
So wild animals, wild plants, wild landscapes
are the healing dreams
from the deep singing mind of the earth.
—Dale Pendell, Living with Barbarians

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Found in Translation

(I first posted this a year ago, but I felt I needed to hear this story again today. Maybe some of you did too.)

A young woman stumbled onto the Old Mermaid Sanctuary the other day. She was lost. She was more lost than any being I had ever seen, and remember, we walked out of the Old Sea and into the New Desert. We know about being lost.

She had thorns in her feet. They had gone right through her shoes. She had thorns in her arms. She had palo verde leaves in her hair. And her fingers were bleeding. She was wild-looking. Not good wild. Not natural wild. Lost human being wild.

We took out her thorns and helped her bathe her cuts and bruises. Sister Ruby Rosarita Mermaid made her soup. Sister Sheila Na Giggles Mermaid made her tea. Sissy Maggie Mermaid gave her clothes. She ate the soup, drank the tea, and put on the clothes. And she talked. She talked about all that had happened to her, she talked about all the misery she had seen, she talked about trying to get away from the roar that followed her everywhere.

"I can't stand it!" she finally said.

We listened and dried her tears.

Then Mother Star Stupendous Mermaid took the woman into the desert. They didn't walk far. Just far enough.

"Now be still," Mother Star Stupendous Mermaid said.

"But then all I will hear is the roar," she said.

"Then listen to it," Mother Star Stupendous Mermaid said. "Stand it. But first, first, listen for the birds. Listen to the cactus breathing. Listen to sound of the air on the wings of the crow as she flies over. Listen to the trees."

Mother Star Stupendous Mermaid left the young woman. We glanced out at her a few times. We could tell she wanted to bolt, to run, to keep going, going, going. Gone. But she was learning what we all must learn: We can't run away from the roaring inside.

When it became night in the desert, the young woman returned to us. "I am learning the language of my soul," she said. "The trees, birds, bees, wind, the coyotes and lynxes—they are all helping me with the translation."

We nodded. Mother Star Stupendous Mermaid said, "Yes, that is the way to be."

Later, we all went out into the desert night and held hands with the stars.

Ahhhhh.

—from Sister Lyra Musica Mermaid

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The Magnificent Old Mermaids Book Drop

Charles de Lint took a few copies of Church of the Old Mermaid to Tucson recently to participate in the Magnificent Old Mermaids Book Drop. He was kind enough to send along some photos. The first one is on 4th Avenue, where Myla set up Church of the Old Mermaids every Saturday "shine or shine." Just gives me chills! By the way, Charles' latest book, The Mystery of Grace, is now out. I've got mine on order and I can't wait.


Tucson, Fourth Avenue


Ah! Someone found the book!


Chicago. What lucky person found it?


Ottawa. Anyone?

Thanks, Charles & MaryAnn!

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Found Verse

These words washed up onto the shore of the Old Mermaid Sanctuary today.

FOUND VERSE

I can’t be sure, but I think
this is the poem that Kim got

on her birthday after the old sea
dried up. The old mermaids

were spending the day laughing
and telling jokes and they thought

it would be nice to invite Kim
to their party. They sent her

a salty request and received an
answer by seamail in about half

a wave’s curl and soon after that
Kim was there with the old mermaids

sipping from a cup at the tea shell.
It’s so nice to see you, said the

old mermaids. It’s nice to see you
too, said Kim. Then she told them

the best joke ever and they slapped
their tails with laughter, tears

running down their faces. Thanks
for making our Hilaria Day so fine

said the old mermaids. Thanks for
being who we all are, said Kim.




(Verse found by Mario Milosevic. "Spurred on By Flowers" is a drawing by Kim Antieau. Larger version of this drawing here.)

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Another Old Mermaid

Look what gifted artist Leigh Bunkin sent me! Isn't she wonderful? (Leigh and the mermaid.) The Old Mermaid looks marvey on the top of my bookshelf in the Goddess Room. I know she is helping me spin more Old Mermaid yarns.

Thanks so much, Leigh! (The photograph is by Leigh, too.)

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Another Magnificent Old Mermaids Book Drop

VG sent me this wonderful description of her Magnificent Old Mermaids Book Drop:

"Just wanted to let you know the book has began its journey. We were in Illwaco, WA the last weekend in February. We had lunch at a new restaurant called Raven and Finch with outdoor seating.

" I left the book on a chair at the table we had eaten at and sort of cleaned up the table as we departed so as not to invite a bus person. So we took another table off to the side so I could watch. There were a lot of couples and groups and the person who found the book was a young woman about 30 with a sweetheart. All I heard her say was 'Something told me this was going to be a day full of nice surprises!' This was something she said to her companion as she read the writing on the inside of the book. We then departed and I felt that I had put the Old Mermaid's on one of their journeys."

How wonderful, VG. I could picture it all. Thanks again!

I hope this gives the rest of you encouragement to write about your adventures with the book drop. I want to hear from you!

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Happy St. Pat's Day!

From the Old Mermaids and Sister Cate Mermaid who created this wonderful artpiece!

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Old Mermaids Tour

So the Old Mermaids Tour is on! Where do we begin? First, I have decided for now that I will be limiting my traveling for the tour to my general area. So I will go pretty much anywhere in Washington and Oregon and I might dash into California and BC. Later, I might go to AZ and back east. But really, the Old Mermaids Tour isn't about me. It's about the Church of the Old Mermaids and spreading the stories of the Old Mermaid, and it's about having great fun.


COTOM is definitely about creating community and walking, talking, swimming, and dancing in beauty! I am hoping that people around the country will participate in the Old Mermaids Tour. It's not about me personally "touring" but about the stories of the Old Gals. (I guess I just said that, didn't I?) I want to see what creative take you have on the Old Mermaids. I envision book clubs and Old Mermaid parties happening everywhere!

If you want to participate in the Old Mermaids Tour, let me know what you want to do. If you're in the area I can come and do a reading and talk about the Old Mermaids and/or we can have Gifted Ceremony. Or we can dress up as Old Mermaids and celebrate. I'm open! Otherwise I can help you figure out what you want to do from afar. I can help with discussion questions, celebration ideas, get you an outline for the Gifted Ceremony or more. I can be available to help you make it a wonderful event from here. We can keep in touch by email or phone and/or maybe we can skype.

If you want copies of Church of the Old Mermaids you can get those from Amazon.com. If you get two or more, there's free shipping. You can also get them from me. If you order 5 or more copies from me, we can discount them 20%. Just write to me about that option.

The official kick-off date will be in March. I'll get up discussion questions on the website soon. I am also working on a workbook/playbook for the Old Mermaid Sanctuary with suggestions of things to do, but that's definitely a few months off!

So email me if you want to participate. We will dance, read, eat, dress, and transform in Beauty!

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